My Response To Negative Comments About The Avengers Adoption "Joke"

Well, hasn't this been interesting. Two weeks, thousands of hits, and hundreds of comments to my previous post... and the overwhelming majority of people think adoptees are nuts to be angry over the adoption "joke" in Avengers.

Well, boys and girls, put on your flameproof undies because I'm responding to those comments and more on my fantasyworld blog. Come over and read it... if you dare.

An Angry Adoptee Fangirl Responds To Avengers Adoption “Joke”

I must have struck a nerve because people responded in droves, primarily to tell me to fuck off. What you fanboys may not have realized is that I am a fellow fangirl. I’m such a big comics fan I close every plastic bag in sight with two small pieces of Scotch tape. Comics are a regular part of my world, as adoption is a regular part of my world. This is my rebuttal to the snarky remarkers.... (read more)

Avengers: Why Is Making Fun Of Adoption Still A-OK?

Ah, adoption. Is there anything you can't spoil? My husband took me out on a very nice date to see the Avengers movie. You'd think that would be safe from adoption triggers. You'd be wrong.

Background: Avengers is a group of kickass superheroes who, uh, kick ass. They're in the same universe as the X-Men, Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four. In the Avengers, Thor's god of thunder. Loki's his brother - adopted, a point which becomes crucial - and Odin's their God father. They're Asgardians, a supposedly more advanced race (whom you'd think would be more civilized than to have sealed records, but there you go.)  The rest of the Avengers, for the purposes of the movie, are Captain America, Hulk, Iron Man, Hawkeye and Black Widow, with Nick Fury (everybody's favorite badass Samuel L. Jackson) as the leader of military organization S.H.I.E.L.D.

[Very minor spoilers ahead...]

So there I am, forgetting my woes, laughing at the gang and drooling over Chris Hemsworth, when we get this lovely little tidbit. Thor is trying to explain to the others that Loki is his brother and his responsibility.

Black Widow points out, "He killed 80 people in 2 days."

Thor explains, "He's adopted."

Cue entire theater laughing.... except for me. (And my husband, who knows better.)

I missed the next 15 minutes of the movie because I was seething. Joking about adoption isn't funny. Joking about being adopted isn't funny. Making fun of a late discovery adoptee is especially not funny.

Because that's what Loki is. In the movie Thor, Loki finds out he was adopted as an adult. Odin All-Father (ha!) kept the truth from him, because he thought it was better for Loki, because he wanted adoption not to matter. Sounds all too familiar, doesn't it? And it always, always backfires.

What bothered me is that this is a prime example of how adoptees are one of the last fair sources of discriminatory humor. We can have a black Nick Fury, we can have a female assassin, but the bastard remains the accepted butt of any joke. Think about what that one dismissive little line says: "He's adopted." In other words, it's not Thor's fault that Loki is such a jerk. Loki's not a real member of the family. He knows it. His brother knows it and feels guilty. His father knows it and wants to make sure his "real" son is the one to inherit his throne.

Worse - Loki is not only adopted but he's actually a Frost Giant, the Asgardians' ancient enemy.  In other words, his birth family is the sworn enemy of his adopted family. His birth father is the enemy leader. His birth mother is nonexistent. His birth family are ugly monsters whereas his adoptive family are beautiful, blond, and godlike. Stereotype City!

Loki is also a textbook example of "bad blood". He's destined to turn evil, and he can't get away from it no matter how much he tries. Think Damien from The Omen, another textbook example.

"He's adopted." Why is this joke acceptable? Why did the audience laugh? Why didn't they rise up in HULK SMASH anger like I wanted to and scream, "Hey! That's not funny!"

Because they don't get it.

Why don't they get it?

Because the adoption industry doesn't want them to.

Look at Loki's character from another perspective: You've grown up all your life with this strange feeling that you don't quite belong. Your older brother is literally the golden boy, the one who will inherit your father's legacy. You've lived all your life in his shadow, struggling just to be acknowledged by your family. Then suddenly one day your dad lets drop that you're adopted. Would you, perhaps, be upset? Would you, perhaps, be angry?

It's far more difficult to sell the idea that adoption is perfect when there are human faces on the victims. If we felt sorry for Loki, that might imply that not telling him the truth of his origins was wrong. If we accept that, we have to accept that concealing the truth from all adoptees is wrong. People might start to put themselves in the shoes of adoptees and their first families. They might start to question why adoption agencies are so vehement about keeping the records sealed. And if adoption isn't perfect, and if families are hurt by it, then maybe there is another reason why the agencies want the records sealed - something they want to hide.

If Odin had told Loki from the start, the plots of Thor and Avengers would never have happened and Marvel would have been making money off Dazzler or Longshot or some other unfortunate Marvel superhero. If the adoption industry allowed people caught in the adoption trap access to information, the world might find out what they've been hiding: the coercion, the corruption, the lies.

Did Marvel think of all this when coming up with that joke? Of course not. The problem is that nobody ever thinks about it. It's not even on their radar. If I had tried to explain this to the majority of people in that theater they would have thought I was nuts. How could that silly little joke possibly be upsetting or dehumanizing?

But it is. And mostly we just have to suck it up. I sat in that theater, furious, gripping my husband's hand and growling under my breath. It's like being under surprise attack. You never know when your enemy, Adoption, is going to jump out at you with a nasty-looking weapon and try to take your head off. And the people around you think you are fucking crazy because you keep ducking all the time.

Until our society as a whole decides these supposed "jokes" are unacceptable, we are not going to make any headway fixing what's broken about adoption.

I Am Adopted. I Am Shame.

I hate holidays. I get this innate, overwhelming knowledge that somewhere nearby, in this very city, my birth relatives are gathering for tradition and celebration. Except me, of course, since I'm not supposed to exist.

Except I KNOW. I can feel it in my blood, like a rising tide. I should be with them. Blood calls to blood. But I'm not, and even if I knew their names or where they were, they wouldn't welcome me.

I'm a secret.

I am shame.

I'm a bastard.

My distant Irish ancestors weep. They want to know why I am severed. I have no answers. I'm not allowed to have answers.

My children ask me questions. I have no answers. They're not allowed to have answers, either.

My mother's brief contact revealed little about my life.

It was a mistake.

I'm a mistake.

I don't exist.

My mother doesn't want me to exist.

If I did know who and where my birth family was, and I was stupid enough to go there, they could easily have me arrested. My mother filed denial of contact with the state, criminalizing me for wanting my original birth certificate. Never mind that I have zero way to identify her. Never mind that the incompetent Illinois CI program gave her my identifying info without my consent. She knows exactly who and where I am yet I still have nothing.

I am a criminal for wanting to know my origins.

I am a criminal for continuing to want to know my origins after being told to shut up and go away.

I am a criminal for publicly disagreeing with adoption policies and practices.

I am a criminal for standing up for myself.

Meanwhile, everyone's talking about all the lucky Illinois adoptees who are getting their birth certificates. Oh, except those who were denied. And those from certain adoption agencies who are essentially filling in the blanks with, "We don't feel like telling you." And those whose information was never recorded, was recorded in error, was falsified, was destroyed, is mysterously "missing," or exists in another state or country. Hmmmm. That seems like a lot of exceptions for a law that gave "all" Illinois adoptees their rights.

I am a pariah for not sacrificing myself so others can have access.

I am a pariah for standing up for left-behind adoptees.

I am a pariah for not accepting the status quo.

I am a pariah for insisting upon equal rights for everyone.

I hope my mother is reading this. I hope the Illinois politicians are reading this. I hope every single person who is getting their Illinois OBC is reading this. I hope every last one of you who has ever supported a conditional law is reading this.

And I hope all my fellow nonexistent denied bastards and our counterparts, those uppity hell-raising first mothers, are reading this.

If we are shame... then so are the people who shame us.

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Adoptee Perspective On SOPA And Internet Censorship

I've posted an article over on my Tech Tips blog about why I've decided not to go dark for the SOPA blackout. It's because I prefer to meet censorship with information. I strongly oppose SOPA/PIPA and encourage you to do the same.

You see, I run a blog that's not so popular... this blog. It's been censored before (read this and this) and doubtless is blacklisted in plenty of web content filters. But I'll be damned if I allow my voice or anyone else's to be silenced.

If SOPA or bills like it pass, how quickly do you think it will go from "we need to censor these sites to protect the intellectual property of these companies" to "we need to censor the blogs of these adoptees and first mothers to protect the reputation of the adoption industry?"

See Tech Tips for more information on the SOPA/PIPA debate, including links to the latest news and resources you can use to contact your legislators:

Tech Tips: What You Need To Know About SOPA And Internet Censorship

The Killjoy Responds To Complaints About Why I’m Not Happy For Illinois Adoptees

I’m sure you’ve heard that Illinois adoptees are throwing off their shackles as fast as Sara Feigenholtz can round up cameras to film their joyful receipt of their birth certificates. Everybody knows I’m the killjoy at the party, and people have started to complain. Apparently my inability to shut the fuck up is interfering with others’ ability to bask in the moment.

The following is from a conversation on a public Facebook page. I’m not going to identify the people and I’m only going to paraphrase the conversation, because my intention here is not to point fingers at any one person. This is not the first time someone’s said something like this to me. On the contrary, I hear it every day, usually from fellow Illinois adoptees who happened to luck out under the new rules.

I posted the following on my wall:

“Quit supporting conditional adoptee rights legislation! Study the bills and understand the difference between true adoptee rights (Maine) and conditional bills that leave some adoptees behind (Illinois). Don't just throw your weight behind a bill because it has the word "adoptee" in it.”

This was reposted to the page by its owner. I responded with “thanks for the repost.” The page owner commented asking why there had been so many likes and few shares, reiterating the importance of equal rights for ALL adoptees.

Someone else answered: "I am 64 and one of those Illinois adoptees who is waiting for her OBC. Please don't deny some of us our happiness."

The page owner said: “A favor is not a right and can be withdrawn on whim.” (And a big THANK YOU for that.)

The other person answered: “whatever. you depressed me today, thanks.”

Let me get this straight. This person is getting her OBC via legislation that blocks me from getting mine... and she’s upset with me because I’m not happy about it?!

What. The. Fuck.

Adoptees face discrimination. Left-behind adoptees face discrimination from their peers as well as from everyone else. Now, let me ask you this...

What makes one person more deserving of identity than another?

What are the criteria? Is it when they were born? Where they were born? Whether they were an agency or private adoption? Should we have different rules for interstate adoptions? International adoptions? Transracial adoptions? Situations involving rape? Who gets to choose these criteria? Who enforces them? What options remain for those left behind?

I will answer.

1. The rules are arbitrarily enforced.
2. They are chosen by the adoption industry.
3. There are no options for those left behind.

Because they don’t know! And they don’t care. Adoptees are a repressed and silent population. No one notices when we complain because the adoption industry has taken great pains to make sure that adoptees who question are considered mentally dysfunctional. Left-behinds who complain are even more mentally dysfunctional.

Shall I tell you what makes me mentally dysfunctional? Bullshit like that.

And bullshit like this. Also in the news this week, the duo of Feigenholtz and Mitchell (sort of like Simon and Garfunkel without the musical talent) is having a par-tay for those Illinois adoptees who now have access. (None of the left-behinds I know were invited, go figure.) Jean Strauss is going to be there filming what I can only assume is going to end up one hell of a one-sided viewpoint on Illinois adoptee access, if there are no left-behind adoptees in it. Without that it’s just more propaganda.

(And, to answer another complaint people have made about me: that was not a plug trying to get myself in the film. I really don’t care who’s in it as long as the left-behind viewpoint is given a fair shake. Truth be told, I hate telling my story in public and especially hate being on camera. Yes, I tell my story in public all the time - because it sucks so bad that I don’t want it to happen to other adoptees, not because I like the limelight. And I know certain people aren’t going to believe that no matter how many times I say it.)

In the Doctor Who episode The Happiness Patrol, the planet Terra Alpha is run by people who insist that everyone must be happy all the time. Dark colors are forbidden and only cheerful music is allowed. As a result there is an underground of people who believe in expressing their sadness and despair, called the Killjoys. The Happiness Patrol exists to kill the Killjoys and thus keep them from making the rest of the population unhappy. As the Seventh Doctor points out, “There are no other colors without the blues.”

We left-behinds are so inconvenient. Here we are, living proof that Illinois’ new law is flawed and discriminatory. Better make sure no one hears about it.

So yes, I’m a fucking killjoy. I’m dressed in dark colors playing blues on the harmonica while everybody else is eating their cotton candy and listening to elevator music. Lucky, lucky bastards.... haven’t you ever seen a horror movie? Don’t you know that nothing in this universe is picture-perfect? Don’t you know that this so-called “access” is going to come back and bite someone in the ass? I guess it doesn’t matter if your ass isn’t the one bitten. But it could be. And how would that make you feel?

How does it make you feel to know that the law that restores your access denies other people theirs?

While some people are getting their OBCs, other Illinois adoptees remain in the dark. (Not to mention the first mothers who aren't even on the agenda.) We still have to struggle with our searches, relegated to tidbits and hearsay and the leavings off the plates of the more fortunate. Don’t patronize us by saying you’re coming back for us. Not only does the new legislation continue to deny us, it makes it infinitely harder to restore our rights.

The message is clear: Access for some now is preferable to access for everyone later, even if a few end up permanently denied. And you knew that from the beginning, yet you still supported the bill.

I am stunned that you can look yourselves in the mirror. Shame on every single one of you.

I am not going to shut up, as some would prefer. I am going to continue to speak out for those left behind in Illinois and in other states that have enacted discriminatory compromise legislation.

And I encourage the rest of you to become killjoys too, for the sake of those who remain without access and who continue to be discriminated against by people who, a short time ago, were in the exact same boat.

How fast do the oppressed become the oppressors?