Adoptee Is Not In My Spell Checker

Whenever I write about adoption, my computer reminds me that adoptees do not exist.

According to my spell checker, that is. As I write this I can see three wavy red lines telling me that two instances of "adoptee" are unknown. Oops, there's a third. I know, I could add the word to my spell checker, but that's not the point. Adoptees are so disenfranchised by our society that the only word that describes us does not exist in spell check software.

Adoption language is loaded. Considering how adoptees are not societally permitted to mourn what we have lost, we sure get a lot of grief from people who have no idea what it's like. While we're still young and cute we are "gifts," or as they said in my era, "chosen children". As teenagers we become "troublesome," "rebellious," "bad seeds." Or maybe we're "quiet," "reserved," perhaps "antisocial." It's hard to be social when all your social clues are stolen, when you're an untethered ship floating at random across hostile seas. While we are "chosen," we are also expected to be "perfect" - the perfect solution to someone else's desires. If we search for our roots, we are deemed "in need of therapy." And if we express outrage at the systems which have sealed our records and denied our existence, we are lashed with the word "ungrateful."

Ungrateful: every adoptee's favorite loaded word.

No, I am NOT grateful I was adopted. I hate being adopted. (Oooh, collective gasp from the unsuspecting! But the adoptees saw it coming.) I hated growing up looking in the mirror at a face that had no reflection in the world around me. I despise the fact that my children are the only biological relatives I have ever met. Think about that for a minute - the first and only birth kin I know are my own kids. Do you get how utterly whacked that is? Yet adoptees are expected to suffer in silence, without even a single word to describe who we are.

Let's not leave out our blood relatives. "Birth mother" is in the spell checker only as separate words - "birth" being an unnecessary adjective to describe "mother." Our society, thanks to the adoption industry, places a modifer on mothers who surrender as a way of de-humanizing these women, making it harder to empathize with their experiences. There are other terms - first mother, natural mother, bio-mother - but the truth is, these women are mothers. That they do not raise their children (and many were not given a choice) is irrelevant. You wouldn't catch most adoptive parents referring to themselves as adoptive parents - in fact most of them are insistent to the point of hysteria that they are parents, no modifier. Loaded language saps the strength of surrendering parents, and completely dismisses their trauma and grief.

Loaded language applies to adoptive parents, too. They are showered with praise - "rescuers," "good Christians" - implying that they are somehow doing us adoptees a favor. As I said before, there wouldn't be a market for infants if there weren't willing consumers, and what child wants to be raised apart from his or her parents? Why did I need rescuing from a mother whose only fault was being pregnant and unwed during the Baby Scoop Era? Now there's a phrase you won't find in common dictionaries. Worst of all, adoptive parents use loaded language on their adopted children. "You're Mommy and Daddy's gift" puts enormous pressure on an adopted child, who is all too aware that unwanted gifts get returned. To be a "chosen child," one must first be un-chosen.

Some of us have "chosen" (ha!) to load our own language. "Bastard" is a badge I'm happy to wear. I'd rather be an honest bastard than a brainwashed perpetual adopted "child," though it took me years to realize the brainwashing had even occurred. Now I know adoption is, as Douglas Adams might put it, one great big joojooflop situation. Adoptees don't have to be grateful, and we sure as hell don't need therapy.

What needs therapy is the adoption industry itself. Give it a shot of Ritalyn and a couple of Prozac pills, then pat it on the head and let it sleep. Maybe when it wakes up, it will have founds its moral backbone.

Day For Adoptee Rights - More Coverage

A few blogs from folks who participated in Day For Adoptee Rights. I really wish there was more media coverage about this (wish more I could have gone).

• Greetings from New Orleans!
• Freakin' SUCKER PUNCHED!
• The Big and Brilliant Easy
• Why the pain has to come
• Success

If You Think Baby Selling Doesn't Happen

This latest news from the AP only confirms what we've known has been going on in Guatemala and other countries for years, if not decades. And no, this is not an isolated incident - the only thing isolated about it is the fact that it's being reported.

• Stolen Baby Linked To Guatemala Adoption System

This article might be better titled, "Stolen Baby Linked To U.S. Adoption Market," but that doesn't go over so well with editorial boards, advertisers, and readers. After all, to say that there is anything wrong with the U.S. adoption system is tantamount to treason.

But nothing like this could happen domestically, right? Sorry, but the game is played everywhere. Check out this story from Kentucky last year.

• Social Workers Allege Child Protection Service Abuse

Yum, nothing like terminating a parent's rights without cause in order to grab those juicy federal adoption subsidies. How do these people sleep at night? There are similar cases occuring in Britain as we speak.

• How social services are paid bonuses to snatch babies for adoption

Then, you might want to read what a self-proclaimed Senior Mother (what others might call a "birth mother") has to say about it.

• Motherhood Deleted - Baby Buyer, Beware

And while we're at it, let's ask some adoptees, particularly transracial adoptees who might have just a bit to say about the impact of removing a child from his/her country of origin. (You think?! How come nobody ever asks the adoptees?)

• Transracial Korean Adoptee Nexus: Guatemalan Adoption Frauds Continue

Somewhere in the world, right now, a baby is being stolen, leaving a family in grief. All infant adoption is stealing - from the family of origin, and from the adoptee. Instead of promoting this twisted scheme, we should focus on supporting all mothers, regardless of social level or ethnicity.

If you're considering adoption, ask yourself if you really want to continue the flesh trade of infant adoption. There wouldn't be a market for it if there weren't willing consumers. Mentor a child or volunteer - but please don't expect that adopting a juvenile, but nonetheless human, being is going to solve your problems. And recognize that infant adoption is very, very different from foster care adoption, when parental rights have (one hopes) been terminated only because no other choice remains.

I hope you'll remember:

Adoption is about finding a home for a child who needs one, not finding a child for parents who want one.
and

Parenting is a privilege, not a right.

Day For Adoptee Rights

On July 22, 2008, a demonstration took place at the Conference of State Legislatures Annual Meeting in New Orleans, Louisiana, in support of adult adoptees' rights to access their records.

I salute all those who participated in and sent good thoughts toward these endeavors. Although we live in different states, we face similar discrimination.

In addition to the event in New Orleans, a parallel protest was organized in Rochester, NY. Here is more information on Day For Adoptee Rights, and links to what scant media coverage I've been able to find about this event. (Plenty in the papers about Angelina's twins, though, in case you had any doubt about what's newsworthy.)

• Day For Adoptee Rights website
• Protesters seek to change laws sealing birth papers (New Orleans Times-Picayune)
• An emotional call for change (the Rochester protest)

Don't forget about RegDay 2008 from the International Soundex Reunion Registry! And let me know if you find more coverage, I'll post the links.

Thanks, News-Gazette: Objective Adoption Reporting

On the flip side of the media bias question, we have open-minded reporters like Joan Griffis of the (Champaign, Illinois) News-Gazette. In her genealogy column, Illinois Ancestors, she addresses the question of adoptees' access to records. The article is not on the News-Gazette website, but you can find it on Mary Lynn Fuller's Family And Friends site, along with some great resources for searching for lost family.

Ms. Griffis was also kind enough to mention this blog as a resource. I wrote the following in response to her column.

Dear Ms. Griffis,

Thank you for your recent column concerning adoptions in Illinois. I am the author of 73adoptee, one of the blogs Mary Lynn Fuller recommended. As an adult adoptee, I appreciate your calling attention to the lack of access to our genealogical origins.

I'd also like to thank you for mentioning our opposition to HB 4623, a bill we believe does a disservice to Illinois adoptees. As Ms. Fuller states, this bill turns adoptees into haves and have-nots based on when they were born. Further, solutions like the intermediary system reinforced by HB 4623 are ineffective and largely unaccountable. Because there is no such thing as a "standard" adoption, cases often fall through the cracks, and many people cannot afford the fees. I learned these things first-hand, as I have described on the 73adoptee blog.

As Ms. Fuller also mentioned, the notion of "privacy" is a myth, and there are existing anti-harassment laws to prevent unwanted contact. Why must adoptees justify their right to know, while the same question from anyone else is deemed a healthy interest in genealogy?

Instead of further compromise legislation, we urge Illinois lawmakers to restore the right, rescinded in 1945, of adult adoptees to access their original birth certificates without restriction. Only then will adoptees be on equal footing with other citizens of Illinois.

We appreciate your time and consideration of this topic.

Sincerely,

Triona Guidry
Cary, Illinois
Midwest Coordinator, Green Ribbon Campaign For Open Records
Author of 73adoptee.blogspot.com

When Outsiders Look In On Adopted America

The Chicago Tribune's on a roll. Two Sundays, two editorials that - without even mentioning adoption - exemplify the media's bias against authentic adoption voices. This blog's title is taken from the first of the Trib articles, "When Outsiders Look In On Black America."

The article reads, in part:

Mike Terry is black, and he knows that a black man giving someone a fist bump is not news. He also knows that calling a man's wife his "baby mama" is derogatory, and that no self-respecting black person he has ever met would use the term "whitey," even if they wanted to insult a white person.

That's why he rolls his eyes at the news media's recent coverage of Barack and Michelle Obama. He calls it "typical," emblematic of the gap in understanding between black and non-black America.

"The brother is black, and he can't throw up a fist?" asked Terry, a West Side bill collector. "That's what we do."

Though Obama has tried to make his skin color an ancillary element of the campaign, the issue of race continually swings front and center, with the predominantly white news media taking on the often-awkward role of interpreting black culture for the masses.

...

"It's a disconnect that should be expected," said Sherrie Mazingo, a recently retired University of Minnesota journalism professor who studies race and the media. "The mainstream media doesn't know how to accommodate coverage of a black presidential candidate. They don't know how to reconcile this candidacy with their generally limited knowledge of people of color, and black people especially."

Just as the media fails to understand people of race, it also fails to understand people touched by adoption. As we saw in my earlier article, Media Bias In Adoption Reporting, the viewpoints of adoptive parents, prospective adopters, and adoption professionals reign, while those of adult adoptees and birth relatives are nearly nonexistent. It took a black presidential candidate to get the media talking more honestly about race. What will it take to get them to talk more honestly about adoption?

The second Chicago Tribune editorial will rankle anyone who blogs with a purpose. "Blah Blah Blog Blog" manages to confuse people who blab about how much sugar they put in their coffee with people like me, who blog because the mainstream media isn't doing anything about the issues we care about.

For the record, the best bloggers have a niche, a specific goal for their blogs. That's not to say there aren't people out there who blog about cutting their toenails - we all know there are.

However, I find it highly offensive that the Tribune feels the need to blast independent bloggers, while simultaneously advertising the Chicago Tribune-sponsored blogs of its reporters.

What, so we're not allowed to blog unless we have a degree from the Medill School Of Journalistic Marketing? The only blogs worth reading are those sponsored with corporate cash? This is why the Internet's going to save civilization. ANYONE can be a journalist, a writer, a changer of worlds. You don't need fancy credentials or buckets of money, all you need is dedication and professionalism.

I think being adopted - breathing it in every moment, like oxygen - makes me one hell of a better expert on it than most reporters. And I am going to continue to write about it, because I believe one person can make a difference.

Opening Records Is Cheaper - Good Laws Go Bad In Michigan

In another example of good legislation gone bad, Michigan has gutted a nice law in favor of a distorted replacement.

As reported by Granny Annie and Bastardette, the original Michigan HB 4896 was a simple open records bill that restored unrestricted original birth certificate access to adoptees, while allowing birth parents to file a non-binding disclosure preference. But along came the distorters, and whap! bang! now MI HB 4896 is dependent upon the newly-created HB 6287. And no surprise, HB 6287 is the one with all the gotchas.

It looks an awful lot like the sort of table scraps offered to us here in Illinois by HB 4623. Registries, intermediaries, hoops to jump through and red tape to entangle. Bills like these are an insult to our intelligence. Forget about those who say we need to take "small steps" - once these compromises are in place, it's that much harder to enact true open records legislation.

What could be simpler than a plain, ordinary open records bill? Here's what it looks like, courtesy of Oregon:

All adopted adults, upon reaching the age of majority and upon written request, shall be able to request and receive a copy of their original birth certificate without any restrictions or falsifications on the certificate, in a manner identical to that of all other non-adopted citizens of the state.

That's it. No compromises, no complicated wording. There is NO reason other states cannot adopt (hah!) this exact same legislation.

It's also cheaper. Granting adult adoptees their original birth certificates uses the same existing mechanism that grants other people theirs. It's convoluted "solutions" like registries and intermediaries that cost money. Here in Illinois, our budget crisis is out of control. What better place to save than cutting the pork called post-adoption services? Let's be honest, they might be 501(c)(3)s, but we all know they're not charities.