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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Poor Advice: Adoption Is Not A Slapdash Solution

Whenever I need a good blog topic, I need look no further than my morning paper. Once again we've got an article that shows a lack of education about adoption: the Chicago Tribune's Ask Amy column. You can find today's column here, the second question.

To quote Amy's response to a disgruntled mother:
When you found yourself pregnant after one "exposure," you could have placed your baby for adoption and at least given it a chance of growing up with motivated and loving parents. Two generations later, it seems unfortunate that you didn't make this choice. Unlike you, "Anonymous" wants to have a baby, though she says her husband doesn't. One can only hope that if she chooses to have a baby, it will be cherished.
Here's the letter I sent to Amy in response.
I was appalled at your response to "Also Anonymous," who regretted her decision to have children because she later found herself raising her grandchild and great-grandchild. Instead of praising her efforts keep these individuals within their family of origin despite hardship, you lambasted her because she did not "place [her] baby for adoption and at least given it (sic) a chance of growing up with motivated and loving parents."

Adoption is not a guarantee of a better life, only a different one, and comes with its own set of tribulations. To be separated from one's blood kin is one of the worst experiences a person can endure. As an adult adoptee (not an "it"), I can tell you exactly how painful adoption is, and I am insulted that you would so blithely suggest that Also Anonymous sever three generations of her family tree. (As open adoptions are rarely enforceable by birth families, the suggestion that it could simply be an "open adoption" is specious and inaccurate.)

What this woman and women like her need is help in raising their children, not the slapdash suggestion that "adoption" is a magic fix that makes everybody's life perfect. Clearly she is in need of a support structure, but solving that problem via adoption is like swatting a fly by exploding the sun.

I hope in the future, you will offer your readers more practical advice such as the following resources for women raising their children and grandchildren:

OriginsUSA for Family Preservation
http://www.origins-usa.org/

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com/

I also hope you will help adoptees and birth relatives educate others on the lifelong impact of adoption.
If you want to write Amy, you can contact her via the Chicago Tribune. You might also want to cc your letter to the Tribunes Letters To The Editor, ctc-TribLetter@tribune.com.
Ask Amy appears Monday through Saturday in Tempo and Sunday in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Help New York Open Adoption Records

Please contact legislators in New York State and urge them to bring A2277, the Adoptee Rights Bill, to a vote.
For more information, please see the Unsealed Initiative web site, and these resources:
Good luck, New Yorkers, in your efforts to open adoption records!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Those Who Cannot Afford Their Adoption Records

Imagine if someone held your birth certificate hostage - and you couldn't afford to buy it.

That is the position in which many adoptees find themselves. For most people, a birth certificate costs a meager fee to the state. Unless you're adopted, that is. Then you can expect to pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars, plus your own time and effort.

Let's note that closed-record adoptees have two birth certificates: the original one, containing birth names, and the amended one - or as some adoptees call it, the falsified lie. Amended birth certificates list the adoptive parents "as if" they are the biological parents of the adoptee. If an adoptee follows the standard procedures and pays the standard fees like anyone else, it's the amended birth certificate they get; a document that has no basis in reality and does them little good.

I put forth a few questions to the Adoption Database community, and I'd like to solicit the opinions of my blog readers as well:
  • What were you told about the fees to access sealed adoption records?
  • Were the fees more than you could afford?
  • If so, were you offered alternatives - was there any other way made available to you, to access your sealed records?
  • Were you satisfied or dissatisfied with your experience, and why?
Here are some of the responses I have received. Natalie says:
You can only access sealed records in NYS with a petition to the court where the adoption was finalized and by showing "good cause" which can mean anything and is up to the judge's discretion. I had my sealed records opened and paid an attorney $1500 and the guardian ad litem $2100 in 1988. I received only non identifying information but a lot more than the NYS Adoption Information Registry gave me. I thought [the fees] were ridiculous but I had to find out about my sibling, which turned out to be 8 siblings and not one! I thought that I should have gotten identifying information. I also thought that the guardian ad litem didn't do a very good job as he said he could not locate my birthmother and that she probably moved from the Syracuse, NY area. She actually still lived there until she died in 1991. She remarried and was going by a different name. I think a lot of people in NYS wouldn't mind paying a fee if that's all it took to get a copy of sealed records. You have to jump through hoops and hire an attorney, and the process is very complicated. NYS likes to discourage people from asking for their sealed records.
Alicia says:
Being adopted through CHS [Florida], I had to pay a fee for non ID and/or search. I paid $150 for NonID and $400 for search services. [The fees were] most definitely [more than I could afford]. There were no other alternatives. I searched for over ten years before paying the search fee to CHS, because I didn’t see any other choice. [I was] satisfied because I found my family, but very unhappy with the fact that I had to pay the company who sold me in order to be reunited with my birth family, as well as, the lack of control I had in the process. All adult adoptees should be able to receive their original birth certificate from the state for the same fee as any other person requesting their BC. Other information, such as archived files of hard paper information should be available, at a reasonable cost.
An adoptee who prefers to remain anonymous adds:
I've already paid $100 to Lutheran Family Services in Cleveland OH, the organization through which I was adopted. Unfortunately, while they cashed my check, they had virtually no information to give me--only that my bmother was an RN and my bfather was an Attorney. That I already knew from my parents. I'm waiting to see how much Geauga County (where I was in foster care for the first two years of my life) will charge once they determine that they CAN give me my non-ID info.
My own experience trying to get records was similarly dissatisfying, as I have already described. Here in Illinois, it costs $15 for a non-adopted birth certificate. The Illinois Adoption Registry is $40, free if you include medical info, and the CI program cost me $700 in fees alone (including a $200 discount from a special subsidy), plus lawyer's fees, notarizations, postage, and at least a thousand hours' worth of my time over the course of two years.

In New York, Natalie could have gotten her birth certificate for $30 if she wasn't adopted. Similarly, Alicia's Florida birth certificate could have cost $9, and anonymous' in Ohio, $16.50.

What can we conclude about the costs for adoptees to obtain their birth certificates and other records?
  • Fees to adoptees are significantly higher than the costs for non-adopted birth certificates;
  • Fees are charged even if little or no information is available or provided;
  • Adoptees pay, only to face increasing obstacles in attempting to gain their rightful information;
  • Adoptees have little control over the processes for which they pay;
  • Despite the costs, mistakes are made which go uncorrected.
Alicia is right in pointing out that the same agency that charged her adoptive parents for her infant self, turned right around years later and charged her for the very same information they themselves sealed.

The agencies say they need the money to find the records. I call it double-dipping. If they hadn't sealed the records in the first place, they wouldn't have to look in the vault, or the broom closet, or Douglas Adams' "bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory" which is probably where my own original birth certificate is. Even worse, adoptees sometimes get triple- or quadruple-dipped, like in my own case where the Illinois CI program informed me I would have to pay the fees AGAIN to restart the search for my birth father.

There are plenty of adoptees out there who cannot afford the only means of accessing their records. Although we may not have cash, we are still voting citizens of this country and you better believe we remember it, come election season.

All people, adopted or not, deserve equal - and affordable! - access to their original birth certificates.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Love Child: The Stigma Of Bastardy Is Alive And Well

[Mea culpa. I originally said the "love child" stories concerned John McCain, not John Edwards. Chalk it up to blogging too early in the morning. I've corrected this post.]

Unless you've been living underground of late - and given what passes for "news" today I wouldn't blame you - you've undoubtedly heard all the gossip about gasp John Edwards' possible illegitimate love child. For those of us who are, ourselves, "love children," such incidents make it painfully obvious that our society has made very few strides when it comes to truly eradicating the stigma surrounding illegitimacy and its kissin' cousin, adoption.

Why so few strides forward? Is it because illegitimacy is really that shameful? Is it because our society needs the glamour of love children, the soap opera titillation made flesh? Or is it because the adoption industry benefits when bastards are born because it increases their stock of marketable infants?

I will tell you one thing. No one who is actually a love child finds it entertaining. Seeing the words LOVE CHILD emblazoned across every newspaper only reminds us of our own fates. By turning this non-issue into a scandal, the media once again does a grave disservice. Why not a headline like this:
  • NEWBORN SLANDERED BY UNVERIFIED RUMOR-MONGERING

    (Whenever I use the word slander, I think of J. Jonah Jameson in the first Spiderman movie: "It's not slander! In print, it's libel.")
How about this:
  • BABY TELLS REPORTERS: "MY PARENTAGE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS"
Or, better yet:
  • SCHOOL GROUP PLANTS NATIVE RAIN GARDEN

    (Didn't these reporters mothers' teach them, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?)
Is it any wonder that there are birth mothers in this world who would rather deny the very existence of their own child than be forced to face their own painful memories? When our society chooses entertainment over empathy, maybe it's time for the human race to move over and let a worthier species evolve. I'm betting on Haemovores, or maybe Weeping Angels.

Granted, the information is coming from the National Enquirer... But the person at the center of this is the one who will suffer most, a person that in most news coverage is simply termed "the child" - something many adoptees know all too well.

Francis Quinn Hunter, I'm sorry. I'm sorry the legacy of us "love children" is being dumped on you without your having a chance to speak for yourself. And I'm sorry you're going to have to grow up knowing that your entry into this world was marked by malicious people out to make headlines at your expense.

It's not the love children, or the mothers who bear them, who should be ashamed.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Adoption Records And Privacy In The Internet Age

I'm a computer professional by trade, so I'm very familiar with technology. And a recent column by Network World's Mark Gibbs illustrates why today's technology makes sealing adoption records pointless.

Gibbs explains how, with a bit of cash, you can find out just about anything about anyone. As an example he uses debt collectors, who have access to databases that describe everything from your Social Security number to your medical records to your most recent neighbors. As more companies cross-reference data, he says, it will become harder and harder to control where that data goes:
Every IT person with experience knows that it [availability of personal data] is not a question of the cat getting out of the bag; the cat and the bag will never even be in the same room.
He further quotes one of his readers:
'There is no way off the grid... unless you just want to be a hermit and live in a hole somewhere. Computers were released to the world, the Internet tied them together, [now] Pandora's box is wide open and the data has already hit the rotary oscillator.'
We adoptees are constantly accused of channeling Pandora by daring to ask questions about our origins. Advocates of closed adoption records, primarily adoption professionals and adoptive parents, claim records must be sealed because "birth mothers were promised privacy."

But that's not true. Birth mothers were told if they searched they would get drawn and quartered. The ones who were promised privacy were the adoptive parents, who were less likely to adopt if they thought birth parents would come banging down the door (one of many adoption stereotypes).

Birth parents cannot have been promised "privacy" because there is not one of us who lives in a vacuum. To use this as the main argument against the restoration of adult adoptee access to original birth certificates–a right that was revoked to cover the more clandestine aspects of the adoption trade–is ludicrous. Sealing birth records does not prevent adoptees and birth families from finding one another. All it does is create unnecessary and emotionally-draining loopholes for those of us who have no other method to obtain the same information others take for granted.

Privacy has never existed; the Internet just makes it more obvious. This is another reason why the sealed adoption records system should be abolished.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Thanks Again, News-Gazette And Joan Griffis - 73adoptee In The News

I'd like to extend a sincere thank you to Joan Griffis of the (Champaign, Illinois) News-Gazette. She has published a followup to her genealogy column mentioning adoptee records access and the opposition to Illinois HB 4623, and highlighting my 73adoptee website and blog.

As Ms. Griffis writes:
No doubt there are other adoptees in Illinois who have fought the losing battle to obtain records that should be rightfully accessible. Our Illinois lawmakers need to correct this injustice and oppose HB 4623.
Although the article is not available from the News-Gazette website, Mary Lynn Fuller has been kind enough to put it on her website. I hope you will all contact Ms. Griffis and the News-Gazette and thank them for supporting adult adoptee records access.

Illinois Ancestors
Joan Griffis
105 Poland Rd.
Danville, IL 61834

News-Gazette Letters To The Editor (website form)
email letters@news-gazette.com
or write:
Letters to the Editor
The News-Gazette
P.O. Box 677
Champaign, IL 61824-0677

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Adoption Stereotypes-Bring Your Twelve-Sided Dice!

I've talked before about the stereotypes we find in adoption. Today I'm going to lay them out, Dungeons and Dragons style, so we can see what they really reveal.
  • THE PERPETUAL CHILD

    Strength: None
    Intelligence: None
    Charisma: None
    Weapon: None
    Armor: None

    The Perpetual Child is an NPC (non-player character) that anyone can control. You can easily obtain one at any tavern, inn, or local gnome's lair. They're worth a fortune to the seller, but their only power is the Spell Of Assuaging Guilt In Adoptive Families.
  • THE CRAZY ADOPTEE

    Strength: 18
    Intelligence: More than expected
    Charisma: None-adoptees are insignificant
    Weapon: Wand Of Searching
    Armor: Shield Of Origin

    The Crazy Adoptee (also called the Searching Adoptee) lurks inside every Perpetual Child, and emerges when the glow from the Warm Fuzzy Orb Of Adoption fades. Any questions about adoption can bring on the transformation, so if you see an adoptee begin to ask about his or her origins, better run 'em out of town before they turn, like werewolves, into Crazy Adoptees!
  • THE STALKER ADOPTEE

    Strength: 18 (+20 in Berserker mode)
    Intelligence: 18 (-5 when dealing with Reputable Adoption Agencies)
    Charisma: None
    Weapon: Vorpal Sword Of Original Birth Certificate Access
    Armor: Elven Chain Mail Of Ingratitude

    Eventually Crazy Adoptees become Stalker Adoptees, haunting the shady dens of late-night news and made-for-TV movies. Obsessed with search, the Stalker Adoptee pursues any avenue to track down and harass blood relatives. They thirst for birth names, and hunger for unconditional records access. The worst ones ("Bastards") can be found hunkered behind blogs, screaming their misshapen notions at the world.
  • THE STALKER BIRTH RELATIVE

    Strength: None-birth relatives have no power
    Intelligence: Not as much as Kind Social Workers
    Charisma: -1
    Weapon: Crossbow Of Determination
    Armor: Blood Ties

    Like the Stalker Adoptee, the Stalker Birth Relative can be found seeking the dark recesses of reality television and horror movies. Stalker Birth Relatives prey primarily on Loving Adoptive Families, eagerly awaiting a chance to snatch away a Perpetual Child (or at least turn them into Crazy Adoptees).
  • THE BIRTH MOTHER PROMISED "CONFIDENTIALITY"

    Strength: -1
    Intelligence: None (or so the Reputable Adoption Agencies assume)
    Charisma: -1
    Weapon: The Mother-Child Bond
    Armor: Shield of Ablative Motherhood, rusted

    The Birth Mother desires privacy at all costs, and will immediately hide in her shell should a Perpetual Child or Crazy Adoptee appear. At the sight of a Stalker Adoptee she will scream, siren-like: "I was promised confidentiality!" to every legislator and Reputable Adoption Agency within hearing. She has never regretted her decision and has been able to move forward with her life just as the Kind Social Workers promised.
  • THE SLACKER BIRTH FATHER

    Strength: 20
    Intelligence: Neanderthal
    Charisma: 12 (+30 to Birth Mothers)
    Weapon: Broadsword Of Virility
    Armor: A Wink And A Nudge

    All Birth Fathers are Slackers. They abandon Birth Mothers and could care less about the Perpetual Children they sire. None of them ever offered support, and none of them wish to know adoptees, crazy, stalker, or otherwise.
  • THE KIND SOCIAL WORKER

    Strength: 18
    Intelligence: 10
    Charisma: 18 (+20 with Reputable Adoption Agency)
    Weapon: Rogue's Dagger Of Half-Truths
    Armor: Cloak Of Concealment

    The Kind Social Worker will gladly take that Perpetual Child off your hands. She is smiling, cheerful, and full of wise sayings, like "Most birth mothers forget" and "Children deserve two-parent homes." Like the eyestalk of a Dalek, the Kind Social Worker has one weakness: she is vulnerable in the face of Pregnant Women Who Educate Themselves About Adoption. But if you give her your Perpetual Child, she'll disappear in a blink.
  • THE REPUTABLE ADOPTION AGENCY

    Strength: 50
    Intelligence: Less than estimated
    Charisma: 50
    Weapon: Adoption Stereotypes
    Armor: Gauntlets Of Wealth

    The Reputable Adoption Agency has everyone's best interests at heart. They're a charity, in case you can't tell from the gold-painted walls, and they would never do anything so horrible as deal with known baby brokers or offer children whose parental rights were terminated illegally.
  • THE LOVING ADOPTIVE FAMILY

    Strength: Taken by infertility
    Intelligence: Minimal near Kind Social Workers and Reputable Adoption Agencies
    Charisma: See Strength
    Weapon: The Promise Of A Better Life
    Armor: Plate Mail Of Public Opinion

    All adoptive families are Loving, if you missed the brochure. Adoptive parents are screened to make sure they aren't pedophiles or murderers. They always tell Perpetual Children and Crazy Adoptees the truth about adoption, even when it conflicts with their own desires.
See, isn't it fun playing the Adoption Game? Let's keep playing before the Thought Police come to take away our Player's Handbooks and painted miniatures.

Welcome Lorraine Dusky And Firstmother Forum!

I'm delighted to forward this announcement from Lorraine Dusky, author of the seminal book "Birthmark," one of the first true tellings of a surrendering mother's perspective.

I first read "Birthmark" nearly fifteen years ago, as I was just starting to question my adopted existence. Her words, candid and unapologetic, struck chords in me I didn't know existed. Through her experience I started to understand what my mother experienced surrendering me.

I've put the new Firstmother Forum in my Blogroll (below, to the right). Here you'll find news feeds from a variety of bloggers speaking out about adoption.

These ladies have been tellin' it like it is for years, and we're glad to see them tellin' it on the Internet. Welcome, Lorraine, Jane, and Linda!
Yo, ye friends of adoption reform--
Ok, I did it, and though I know I am a late-comer (very), I still found that I was pouring out my feelings to friends in emails and so... I decided...First Mother Forum, a name given to me by my friend, Linda Bolton of New Jersey.

Add it to your bookmarks and check in, post comments--please. Okay, yes, I am trying to get a little traffic going. And right now I feel like I am swimming upstream against a current of other bloggers and people trying to get your attention, but well, you can't be a part of the revolution by standing at the gate.

I think the blog will be more about commentary about current events and how they relate to us, legislation efforts rather simply an than an examination of feelings, though I am sure that will come into this too. As in, How did you feel about Juno? I was so angry at the movie...and I'm sure there are a million other things like that...as today's post relates, about a new documentary, Bittersweet. MTV is up to the same thing too, for a show called Real Life.

I'm not sure how to do some of the things that I need to do to get this a wider audience, but I'll learn--I don't even know how to use my digital camera yet! which Marley has used to good advantage at the Pittsburgh conference.
If you can post a connection to the link on other sites, or forward this too interested parties, please do. thanks for your time and have a good day--
lorraine