ABC's Find My Family: Is Reality TV Good For Our Rights, Or Adoption Exploitation?

Everyone in the adoption community is talking about ABC's new show Find My Family. My question to you: Is reality TV good for adoptee and birth parent rights, or is it exploitation?

Many are wondering who is actually doing the searching for Find My Family. I may be stirring up a hornet's nest, but here's what little I know about it. ABC approached the moderator of a forum (of which I happen to be a member) and asked if the staff of what later became Find My Family could solicit on the forum. (Disclaimer: I am not speaking for ABC or for the forum itself. I'm simply sharing my observations.) I don't know if any monetary compensation was offered for this, but I don't believe so. This particular forum links volunteer (e.g. not paid) search angels with searchers. It's a compassionate community of people who all found themselves flung into the deep end of adoption without a paddle. I expressed in private email to the moderators my reservations about this arrangement with ABC, because it seemed to me inappropriate for a reality TV show to be trolling a search-and-support forum for adoptees and birth relatives. However, the moderators and most of the other members were delighted, and they also appear to be generally pleased with the first episode of Find My Family.

My reservations remain. In my blog post "Adoption Exploitation And The Observer Effect", I quoted my response to ABC, when they approached me directly and asked me to post an announcement on my blog soliciting adoptees and birth families for the network's upcoming show. This was prior to their arrangement with the forum I mentioned.

Adoption is not a reality TV show. It is painfully real for those of us who experience it. I suggest you revise the show to highlight the denial of adult adoptees' civil rights. This is a different matter than search and reunion, although the two are often conflated by the adoption industry and, in turn, the media and the public. Every day adult adoptees are denied driver's licenses, passports, and other basics of citizenship because our original birth certificates are sealed in most states. We are forced to pay excessive fees only to find information is missing or mysteriously unavailable. Post-adoption "services" like registries and intermediaries have become yet another way for agencies and individuals to profit from adoption. That would be a far better topic upon which to shine your cameras than someone's private reunion.

Admittedly, I haven't watched Find My Family, so perhaps I shouldn't remark upon it unless I do. But I didn't like the way they came trolling a private forum looking for participants. Maybe I'm wrong, but it felt like they were letting the search angels do all the work while they make money filming the results. And believe me, these search angels work hard and don't get paid a thin dime except maybe expenses. They're doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. I don't think reality TV, however well-meaning, can be doing anything out of sheer goodness because, at the end of the day, it's about the advertising dollars they make. Also, it made me feel on display, a zoo animal in a cage, like I was being studied for some kind of reality-TV experiment. I've been exploited enough by adoption that this did not sit comfortably with me.

I also think we can draw some overall conclusions, not about this show in particular, but about reality-based adoption fodder in general. Most shows gloss over the difficulties in accessing records and focus instead on the happy-happy reunion stuff. There are those who say the happy-happy reunion stuff will help others understand our plight. I'd like to believe that, but then again I believed that a state-based confidential intermedary was in my best interests when they turned out to be incompetent money-grubbers.

From what I understand, Find My Family only accepted searches they thought would succeed. That's similar to state-based intermediaries who only take on searches they think they can solve, because it skews their statistics to show more successful matches. In the case of a reality TV show, obviously there's no show if the search doesn't succeed. But what about those who don't luck out with getting their search done by a reality TV show? How many searches don't succeed? How many people become stuck for years if not decades? How many can't afford the fees for state-based services, or attorneys to assert their rights, or private investigators when the state services fail? What about reunions that don't turn out happy-happy?

More importantly, what about the civil rights of adoptees and birth mothers to access the records that pertain to them? What about the discrimination faced by adoptees and birth mothers? What about the empty promises of open adoption, disclosure vetoes and compromise legislation? What about those left behind?

Search and reunion is already far too conflated with the civil rights of records access, and I don't think reality TV helps that. What we need are some shows that follow the demonstrations for our rights, the late nights writing letters to legislators and the media, the indignity of trying to say your piece while those same legislators are walking out on your testimony. Why weren't the cameras on my friend Chynna when she was goose-stepped out the door by a Florida cop in attempting to obtain her driver's license, because all she had was her amended (falsified) birth certificate? Where were the cameras when "Donna" was threatened with legal action for contacting a birth relative who wanted that contact? There's a lot more going on in adoptionland besides happy-happy reunions. Maybe ABC's Find My Family is going to address that. I hope somebody does.

Back to my original question: Is this good for our civil rights, or is it exploitation? I can't decide. What do you think?

Discrimination Against Adoptees

On the heels of the recent Evan B. Donaldson study, ABC has posted an article concerning discrimination against adoptees. None of the information in the article will be news to us adoptees, who have been familiar with this for decades.

For me it started within my adoptive family. I was always the "adopted" daughter, emphasis on the adjective. In school I was mocked by classmates. On medical forms I have to write "unknown-adopted". I have learned not to mention my adopted status, unless I want to be subjected to knowing looks or annoying personal remarks. "Didn't your mother want you? Have you looked for your birth family? Aren't you glad you were adopted?" There are adoptees who have been denied driver's licenses and passports, and otherwise made to suffer indignities that no one else must endure. It's about time somebody started taking a closer look at this.

In general I think it's great that the EBDAI did a study of adult adoptees. However, one thing that annoyed me was that on the surface it seemed to apply only to international adoption. Domestic adoption was indeed part of the study, but the title "Beyond Culture Camp" implies otherwise. That's not to dismiss the important conclusions reached concerning transracial adoptees, but I would have liked to have seen a more all-encompassing summary. I also agree with what others have said, that putting children on the cover of a study about ADULT adoptees perpetuates the notion that, like Peter Pan, we never grow up. That defeats the whole purpose of a study about adult adoptees. I would have preferred to see a picture of, say, adult adoptees mentoring their younger counterparts. Or heck, just adult adoptees (including some domestic ones). Otherwise, though, the conclusions were spot-on.

Promote laws, policies and practices that facilitate access to information for adopted individuals. For adopted individuals, gaining information about their origins is not just a matter of curiosity, but a matter of gaining the raw materials needed to fill in the missing pieces in their lives and derive an integrated sense of self. Both adoption professionals and the larger society need to recognize this basic human need and right, and to facilitate access to needed information for adopted individuals.

I've said it before in various places: When non-adopted people ask about their origins, it's called genealogy. When adoptees ask, we are admonished. Most people don't realize how our birth certificates are altered, nor that we must jump through expensive and unnecessary hoops and be subjected to intensely personal interrogations, just for the mere CHANCE at records access. No other segment of our society is treated in this manner. Adoptees are second-class citizens whose civil rights have long been ignored and denied. People think that if we, as adults, continue to "harp upon" our origins, there is something wrong with us. But this study clearly shows that

Adoption is an increasingly significant aspect of identity for adopted people as they age, and remains so even when they are adults.

I am pleased that discrimination against adoptees is finally being acknowledged, but I think it needs to go further. Every single closed-records state needs to follow the example of Maine and restore unconditional original birth certificate access to domestic adoptees. Those adopted internationally deserve to have their citizenship in their countries of origin maintained, and all documents of their origins made conveniently and inexpensively available.

Until adoptees are treated in the exact same manner as the non-adopted, we will continue to be discriminated against. Compromise legislation doesn't cut it. Pithy promises don't cut it. It's not about search and reunion, it's about civil rights. We want EQUALITY and an end to discriminatory practices and laws.

Adoption BEwareness Month Part II

It's that time of year again, when I can't open a paper or glance at a web site without being innundated by how WONDERFUL adoption is and isn't it too bad we don't have more of it.

Sigh.

Forget the rainbows and fluffy animals. Others have mentioned this, and I believe also, that it would be far more effective to spend November analyzing the less savory sides of adoption.

Such as honoring Strange And Mournful Day, when mothers take time to contemplate how the adoption industry robbed them of their children, their dignity, and their self-respect.

Or reviewing how supposedly respected organizations like Catholic Charities can so royally screw up their (expensive) intermediary services that purportedly "help" adoptees and birth relatives reconnect. (90% success rate?! I want to hear how many applications got dropped on the floor a la the Illinois Confidential Intermediary Service. Likewise, I bet CC is also pre screening to insure success before accepting participants--skews the figures nicely.) You've got to wonder what CC is trying to conceal, that they're refusing to help straighten out this appalling situation. Don't tell me the law doesn't allow it, that's a cop-out similar to "I was just following orders".

What about donor-conceived people who have no access to their medical records? What about cases like the sperm donor who passed on a life-threatening genetic condition? Doesn't anybody give a damn that we are creating human beings willy-nilly with no regard for their rights as human beings? I don't mean embryos, I mean the rights of real-live people who are suffering because others want to conceal errors and misdeeds.

How about discussing the strange case of the birth mother so upset at being contacted by the child-now-adult she gave up for adoption that she feels the need to plaster her story all over the place, in some kind of insane attempt to... do what? Garner sympathy? Destroy any hope of open records? Demonstrate how ungrateful we adoptees are, especially those of us who *gasp* search? Because being adopted automatically turns us into crazy stalkers, it's right there in the Player's Handbook. Oh, and our heads spin 360 while we projectile vomit, too. But genealogy is A-OK if you're, say, the First Lady, or anybody else for that matter. Now, gimme back my dice so I can keep playing the D&D version of Adoption Stereotypes. I've got a new character to roll:

THE PSYCHO BIRTH MOTHER

Strength: Limitless

Intelligence: Questionable

Charisma: 18 (+30 to News Media)

Weapon: +10 Glaive Of Victimization

Armor: Shield Of Anti-Reflection

When confronted with the Stalker Adoptee, the Birth Mother Promised Confidentiality morphs into the Psycho Birth Mother. Not only has she never regretted her decision, she's the one being victimized and wants only to maintain her privacy, which is why she touts her story to any News Media she can find. Her siren call is: "Don't open the records! It'll destroy women like me!" Ignoring her sister birth mothers, who may actually (horrors!) desire and seek contact with their offspring, she hides in plain sight, turning any adoptees who cross her path back into Perpetual Children. The Psycho Birth Mother refuses to look at herself in a mirror, because deep down she knows what she's doing is wrong.

As I said on Osolomama's blog, if women don't want the offspring they gave up for adoption to contact them, then they ought to support open adoption records. Because as it stands in closed records states, the only way for adoptees to obtain info is to contact their birth mothers. (And no offense intended by my use of that term; I'm using it strictly for search engine purposes. As far as I'm concerned these women are mothers, no adjective.)

Personally, November is very hard for me. For one thing, it's my daughter's birthday. She is my eldest and the very first biological relative I ever saw in the flesh. That is so messed up I cannot even begin to tell you. So to have Adoption Awareness Month be the same as the anniversary of her arrival is really difficult. The last thing I need are painful reminders that she and my son are the only biological relatives I may ever know. I am also irate that the whole adoption thing spoils my ability to be able to enjoy her birthday. This month should be all about HER, turning six and getting pink princess presents. She shouldn't have to have a mother who's distracted by fighting the ghosts of adoption past, present and future. Adoption affects my kids, too, and they had nothing to do with it!

It's also that time of thanksgiving, of being grateful... and I am damn sick of being told, as an adoptee, to be grateful. It's a time of family and since I've been disowned from my adoptive family and denied existence by my birth family, that only makes it worse. I could tell you the reason I haven't blogged much lately is because I'm busy with work and other things. It's even true. But the other reason is that I am so effing sick of adoption at this time of year that I can't think straight.

Thank goodness for Doctor Who or I might not make it through this year. I'm planning to enjoy the last episodes of the Tenth Doctor to the fullest, and I don't need adoption casting a pall over my escapism, thank you very much. In fact, adoption is the reason for it.

Adoption might as well be a rusty knife in my stomach. It's hard to tell what hurts worse, going in or coming out, but either way it'll poison you for life.

Yeah, I need a whole month to be reminded of that.