What Needs Reform In Adoption? Everything!

This month's Grown In My Heart blog carnival asks the question, "What do you think needs reform in adoption?" I could fill whole stadiums with answers to that one, but I think everything that concerns me boils down to one word: TRANSPARENCY, or lack thereof.

Take, for example:

• Domestic and international adoption scandals: children targeted for adoption, mothers coerced into surrendering, adoptive parents duped into a false sense of security about the adoption process
• Situations like Haiti, where crises are used to exploit children and families
• Sealed adoption records, the myth of birth parent "privacy", the discrimination faced by adult adoptees and their mothers, and the facade of compromise legislation
• The lure of open adoption, which is rarely enforcable by the birth mother
• "Crisis pregnancy centers" which are often fronts for adoption mills
• Misinformation about the long-term effects of adoption, especially for transracial and transcultural adoptees
• The general public's lack of understanding about adoption, which is promulgated by the adoption industry so clandestine and questionable practices can continue. Part of this is driven by media bias in adoption reporting, which leads me into...
• GET ADOPTION OFF TELEVISION. I have to wonder why there isn't legal protection for minors exploited on television (think Jon & Kate or Balloon Boy). I think about these kids whose adoption stories are being told on TV (e.g. Teen Mom, 16 And Pregnant) before they even have a chance to know for themselves. Can you imagine how devastating that will be for them? It's one thing to have consenting adults on these shows but something far different when we're talking about babies and children. And even when it's consenting adults, the information is almost always skewed. Let's face it, reality shows and made-for-TV movies are not solid journalism, but most people base their ideas about adoption from them.

If adoption were transparent, if the procedures were scrutinized, I think there would be far less (although not zero) corruption. People will always find a way to game the system, but transparency and repercussions make it harder. Ratifying the Hague Convention would be one step. Restoring original birth certificate access to adult adoptees AND birth mothers would be another. We need more education for prospective adopters. We need independent and transparent regulation of adoption agencies. We need to get rid of private adoptions that too easily fall into the gray-market or black-market category. We need to eliminate pork-barrel legislation that turns original birth certificate access into a windfall for politicians and their well-connected cronies. We need to distinguish between infant adoption and foster-care adoption. We need to support mothers and families. We need to turn adoption from a boutique industry into a system in which kids who need help will get it.

But what we most need to do is take the profit margin out of adoption. If there is no money to be made, profiteering will decrease. I don't anticipate this will happen anytime soon. Adoption is big business, with the funds and resources to hire lobbyists to maintain the bottom line. What we, as individuals, can do is demand transparency of adoption agencies and practitioners, and of our elected officials. We can also continue making scandals public, so that those who do game the system are caught. And we can educate the general public about adoption, including its flaws and misconceptions.

Adoption should be a last resort. We should strive to support children: with their parents where possible, with extended family where not, via domestic adoption in their country of origin and via international adoption only as a last resort. Yes, that means less adoptable children, but this isn't about finding a child for everyone who wants one. The adoption industry sets very unrealistic expectations while continuing to sweep necessary reform under the rug. Let's return adoption to its roots--finding homes for children in need--and do away with the corruption that currently defines it.

Dreading Birthdays II: Celebrating Adoption Loss

January is considered the most depressing month of the year. It's cold, it's dismal, the joy of the holidays is over, you're stuck with bills and work and it feels like spring will never come. It figures, therefore, that January is when I was born. I've talked before about dreading my birthday and how depressed I get at this time of year. From what I understand, many adoptees get depressed about their birthdays.

I don't tell casual acquaintances about my birthday. People always want to know, put it in their calendar, send you an e-card or invite you to a little office celebration with stale cake. But adoptee birthdays invoke too many well-intentioned questions that are conversational for others and heartbreaking for us, like "Where were you born?" (some of us don't know) and "Are you celebrating with your family?" (which one?) In short, birthdays are stark reminders of what may be our most traumatic experience: losing our mothers, our blood relatives, our cultures, our heritage. I don't mind sharing with people who know my adopted status and understand that trauma. What I don't like is the automatic dismissal of the uninitiated: "Oh, you're adopted! You must feel so lucky." And I'll admit, I'm no fun. When people ask me straight out I give them a straight out answer: that I'm adopted, that my birthday is traumatic, that it brings up a lot of feelings of loss and I don't really like talking about it. Talk about putting a damper on the party.

Some adoptees may not even know their actual birthdays. They celebrate a date made up by the orphanage or agency, a date they may or may not know is false. A few adoptive parents focus on (gag) Gotcha Day to the exclusion of the adoptee's actual birthday. I find that abhorrent. It's as if they're saying, "You didn't exist until we adopted you. Your life before is not important and you shouldn't ask questions about it." Many adoptive parents, however, do their best to incorporate both halves of their children's existence. Even so, they may not understand the depths of the despair adoptees can fall into around birthdays. They ply adoptees with presents and parties, which the adoptees may accept with a smile while inwardly cringing. They want to please their adoptive parents, for whom this date is truly a celebration, but they can't reconcile that with their own internal grief. This is especially tough for young adoptees who often feel burdened by the attention. Many people can't fathom the idea of a birthday being anything but wonderful. Teenagers who seem ungrateful are dismissed as being malcontents or "angry adoptees", when all they are trying to do is come to terms with their own feelings about such an ambivalent event.

I think it's important to acknowledge the loss that adoptee birthdays represent. You can't just hang some streamers and pretend the negatives don't exist, much as the adoption industry would love us to. (Doesn't look good in the glossy brochures.) Adoptive families would do well to acknowledge the pain and loss that adoptee birthdays evoke. It's a good time to sit down, not to talk but to LISTEN to what adoptees have to say and how we feel about adoption.

I prefer to "celebrate" in private. I spend time with my husband and children. I talk to a few close friends. But mostly, in January I go into hibernation. I don't like to be around other people. I typically take time off because I know if I try to work I'll just be a wreck anyway. I write fiction. I plant seeds for the spring garden. I try not to think too much about the woman who, thirty-odd years ago, walked out of the hospital leaving her newborn daughter behind, because if I do I will dissolve into a puddle of misery. In short, I hate my freaking birthday. February can't come too soon.

Novelists Inc. Interview

Thanks to Dara Girard and Novelists, Inc. for interviewing me about my work as a computer consultant and writer. There's a bit about adoption reform, too. You can find the interview here.

http://www.ninc.com/blog/index.php/archives/triona-guidry

More Concern About Haiti Adoptions

There is growing concern about the fast-tracking of Haitian adoptions. Read on for some excellent blogs on the subject.

• Bastard Nation Statement On Haitian Adoption And "Babylifts"
• Baby Love Child: Haiti, And The Constant Drumbeat Of The Demand For Children
• Family Preservation: Haitian Adoptions: U.S. Caves To Demands
• Outlandish Remarks: Whites Make Pact With God, Expedite Haitian Adoptions
• Improper Adoptee: The Media: Exploiting Adoptees and Birth Mothers Should Never Be Unexpected....Part I of IV

I've seen a lot of media coverage about Haitian orphans being "saved" or "rescued" by flying them to foreign countries for adoption. But "orphan" doesn't necessarily mean the child has no living relatives. In many countries, parents place their children in orphanages temporarily until they can get back on their feet. Even if their parents are dead, these so-called "orphans" may have siblings, extended family, or others who can care for them. In a disaster like Haiti's, we should be focusing on helping the country recover, not focusing on the wants of prospective adopters.

Okay, here it comes... the knee-jerk reaction that those of us advocating caution would rather see these kids starve and die on the streets. On the contrary, we want these kids cared for, kept in their own families where possible, domestically adopted where not, and internationally adopted only as a last resort. And yes, that means less adoptable children, and that's just too bad. If you are so eager for a child, there are umpteen kids in the American foster system. They're not cute "orphans", but they do need help. If you're really that interested in helping a child, that shouldn't make a difference. But swooping down on Haiti like vultures is not going to help those kids.

There is also the question of what the "pipeline" is. Those American adoptions that were already "in the pipeline" are being fast-tracked. But what does that mean, exactly? It could simply mean those prospective adopters have passed the preliminary stages. They may not have passed home study or the other qualifications of being adoptive parents. And with the records in Haiti a shambles and at least one judge dead, it's hard to know which children have actually been approved for adoption. Shouldn't we take those tens of thousands of dollars a single adoption costs to help the people of Haiti as a whole? Wouldn't that help more children in the long run?

Another thing that concerns me is the possibility that sweeping these kids into adoption's net may result in increased "disruptions" down the line. A disruption is a nice name for returning an adoptee... a failed adoption. But what expectations does the adoption mill set for prospective adopters? It's the glossy brochure, the "adopt and your life is complete" mantra. Reality is much harder for these children. You can't take a child who is suffering from trauma and the loss of loved ones, bring them to America, plunk them down in front of McDonald's and Nickelodeon and expect that they will grow up with no difficulties. I am concerned that some of these prospective adopters are so relieved at having their wishes finally granted that they will overlook the needs of the child. When that child begins to suffer from PTSD, will they blame the child for not fitting in? For being an "angry adoptee"? Will these adoptees be sentenced to quack therapies or drugged into behaving? Will they be returned to a country they no longer know, or shuffled off to yet another "forever" family?

In the words of Buffalo Springfield...

There's something happening here

What it is ain't exactly clear...

It's time we stop, children, what's that sound

Everybody look what's going down.

Haiti: Adoption Snatching In Action

Some people are trying to use the earthquake in Haiti as an excuse for a mass snatching of children for the adoption mill. I'm not even going to try to compete with the stellar coverage of other bloggers, so read on to learn about Operation Pedro Pan from the 1960s and how it is being replayed today.

• Bastardette: Haiti Child Evacuation: A New Operation Pedro Pan?
• Bastardette: Haiti: Misc. Updates On Adoption And Pat Robertson
• Bastardette: Haiti: Operation Pierre Pan Postponed; Politicans Pander
• FirstMotherForum: When Disaster Strikes, Adoption Is Sure To Follow
• FirstMotherForum: What Of The Children In Haitian Orphanages?
• Family Preservation: Reputable Ways To Help The Children Of Haiti And Their Families
• AmyAdoptee: Haitian Adoptions In Trouble After The Earthquake
• Baby Love Child: Haiti's Children And The American Adoption Market
• Motherhood Deleted: Heeere We Go, Again / Orphan Bonanza

The answer to this horrific tragedy is not to take these children from their culture, but to reunite them with extended family wherever possible and help Haiti as a whole regain its footing. I can't say it any better than Bastardette:

We do not object to Haitian children, orphans and otherwise, being sent to credible and documented parents or family members in the US legally for temporary or permanent care depending on the circumstances. We do object to the unethical and possibly unlawful mass transfer of traumatized children, many with family status unknown, to foreign shelters and foster care, removed from their culture and language, with little hope of reunification. We also object to children being used as commercialized foreign policy pawns. Although Pedro Pan had positive outcomes for some, its intent and motives make it an illegitimate model for today's Haitian earthquake child victims. Cold War politics destroyed Cuban families. Unchecked adoption industry greed, pap entitlement, and soft neo-colonial foreign policy cannot be permitted to disenfranchise a generation Haitian children.

Think Before You Support Compromise Adoption Reform Bills

The new legislative session is upon us, and I encourage you to think long and hard before throwing your support behind a bill just because it claims "adoption records access".

Whenever there's word of a new records access bill, members of the adoption community scramble to support it amid cries of "Write the legislators!" and "Write the newspapers!" But not all bills are created equal. Some are wonderful, shining examples of clean legislation, like Maine, for example. Others are travesties and need to die before they suck the life out of adult adoptee and birth parent rights.

A clean records access bill is one in which adult adoptees (and birth mothers too!) have the same access to original, unaltered birth certificates as people not touched by adoption. Compromises take many forms but may include:

• A disclosure veto, which allows a birth parent to prevent an adult adoptee's access to his or her birth certificate. (On the other hand, a contact preference is just that, a preference. It does not legally deny access to the adult adoptee's birth certificate.)
• A mandatory intermediary, which requires adult adoptees and birth parents to submit to third-party mediation even if all they want is information and not contact.
• Sandwich bills, in which adult adoptees born before or after certain dates have access, while others do not.

There are several bills in discussion right now, including New Jersey and Missouri. It's sad that people have invested effort in these bills because they are so compromised, they will do more harm than good. They're based on the myths that "baby steps" are necessary to adoption reform, that compromise legislation can be revisited, that nothing else will work in XYZ state, that "almost good enough" is good enough. None of this is true. The best way--the ONLY way--to restore equal rights to adult adoptees and birth mothers is to enact clean legislation from the start.

Here are some truths about compromise legislation:

• Baby steps are not needed to achieve clean original birth certificate access. It's been done in Maine. It's been done in Oregon. IT CAN HAPPEN. But you have to work at it, and if your nice clean bill gets lobotomized, you have to take the higher ground, kill it and start again.
• Look to your left. Look to your right. One of your brethren in adoption is going to be left behind if you compromise. Ask yourself if you actually want to support a bill that means getting your information at the expense of someone else. And remember, that someone else could easily be you.
• NOT ONE STATE that has enacted compromise legislation has EVER changed it later to clean birth certificate access. Once you have the compromise you are stuck with it. The politicians consider it a done deal and won't revisit it. You'll have shot yourself in the foot for nothing.
• Compromises in one state bleed over onto others. Legislators ask, if it works for this other state, why shouldn't we do it that way? It makes it harder to enact clean legislation elsewhere.
• There are politicians and lobbyists who want you to compromise because it's a way for them to pay lip service to reform while not actually doing anything. In other words, it's a ploy to get us to be good little bastards and birth mommies and go away. Post-adoption services exist to make money, period. They do not exist to help you. They do not exist to restore your civil rights. Don't buy into the rhetoric. Demand clean legislation, each and every time.
• Adoption records access is not about medical history, search and reunion or anything else. It is about identity. It is about the right to be treated equally. Don't get caught up in the arguments. Take it back to basics and stay focused.

What to look for in a bad bill:

• Disclosure vetoes, mandatory intermediaries, sandwiches.
• Convoluted language or anything that says, "we'll figure out how to do this later". If you don't understand it, it's probably not clean.
• Sometimes shell bills are introduced that are replaced at the last minute by compromise bills that no one sees before the committee vote, like the fast one they pulled with Illinois HB 4623 in 2008.

So when you see there's a new bill up for discussion, for heaven's sake research it before you rush to support it. Read the bill for yourself. Ask your friends in the adoption community. Find out about the legislative sponsors. Use your head and your common sense. Don't be a knee-jerk supporter just because it says "records access" on the tin.

For more on compromise legislation:

• Conditional Legislation: Why Some Adoptees And Not Others? from my 73adoptee blog
• Conditional Access Legislation And Other Legislative Compromises position paper from Bastard Nation: The Adoptee Rights Organization

Find My Family: Does Reality TV Create Assumptions About Adoption Search?

After I posted about Rose's situation, I was inundated with replies that she should contact Find My Family. While I know these suggestions were made out of the goodness of people's hearts, I'm wondering if the existence of shows like this make people think that all you need to do is contact reality TV and they will magically solve your adoption search for you.

My question is partially prompted by the fact that I've seen it now. And I'll admit, Find My Family does show the emotions behind search and reunion--but there are too many things I don't think it addresses. What about those who can' t complete their searches? What about those left behind by compromise legislation? What about discrimination against adoptees and birth mothers and fathers? (I should point out that I normally find reality TV distasteful, doubly so when it's on a topic I find triggering.)

Because the thing is, Rose HAS contacted Find My Family. They elected not to take on her case. Possibly because it's too hard--they may not want to expend resources on a search they don't think they can solve (and therefore film the happy ending). Possibly because Rose is already a member of the forum who is doing Find My Family's legwork (a forum that, again, is not being compensated or even acknowledged as a resource--hello, ABC, I'm talking to you!). Possibly because ABC is concerned about legal liability given the gray/black market nature of Rose's case. Or possibly because they've simply filled up for the year and don't have room to take on more cases. Who knows? The point is, reality TV like Find My Family is not a panacea. It's not a magic wand. It's a resource like any other, and it doesn't work for everyone. These shows don't take on every case. They don't always succeed. What we see is a carefully distilled montage of their best results.

I'm still pondering my original question: Is reality TV good for adoptee rights or a hindrance? Now I'm beginning to wonder if these reunion shows give people the impression that searching is easy. As in, you can have the most impossible search in the world--but along comes Find My Family or The Locator and shazam, miracles! Adoption search is not that simple, logistically or emotionally. Some people luck out and get a match right away. Some people search for decades and never succeed. There is no magic wand, just hard work, determination, the willingness to fight a system that would just as soon see us slink off with our tails between our legs... and heaping helpings of luck and prayer.

I also wonder if reality TV glosses over the fact that reunion, like marriage, is an ongoing process that involves hard work. I would feel more confidence in shows like Find My Family if they were to mention search resources like ISRR and devote some time to what happens after the honeymoon.

What do you think?